Rant Rant Rant

OK, so if you didn't know already, I'm a computer and network technical specialist. Which essentially means if something goes wrong with your PC-based hardware or software, I can usually fix it. I excel in customer service, training, and technical documentation. I have superior communication and problem-solving skills. All this, in a hot (if gracefully aging) little package with absolutely zero formal training. I hate repeating work, so I always ALWAYS make sure it gets done right the first time, and my client has more than enough information and documentation to avert any unforeseen (by them) disasters.

It stands to reason that I would call someone else for support only when I have exhausted all other possible avenues to finding my own solution. It is not out of hubris that I do this, but simply as a general habit which any good tech adopts naturally. However, from time to time, I run into something confusing, awkward, or undocumented and I am forced to pick up the phone and make a call to some buttwipe company in Pakistan that forgot to dot an I or cross a T which forces me to ring them up and see what, if any, workarounds can be arranged. Not my favorite activity, to say the least (though I rarely do), as I'm already butt-tired of trying to discern just what they hell they had in mind when they devised their ingenious method of burying the only single useful control option in their worthless program that I am forced to use because there's nothing better.

Case in point, I recently upgraded to x64 Vista. No big whoop; I mean, I had maxed out XP; there just wasn't one more thing I could have wrung out of that OS. I needed a new hobby and Vista seemed perfect: flawed, buggy, and downright infuriating, I figured it was just the ticket to satisfy my desire to tweak and troubleshoot. I imagined long, lazy afternoons, just me and the registry... sipping tea and quietly laughing about the 64kb buffers of yesteryear.

And then, just like that, something - not Vista, but something I was totally unprepared for - went wrong. I noticed because I notice these things, it's in my nature. The very moment it started occurring, a little bell went off in my head, and I knew it meant I'd have to jump through hoops. My antivirus program was stuck in update mode, and no matter what I did to try and get the update installed and REGISTERED, it rebuffed me at every turn. Arms folded stoically, silently denying me like some velvet-roped ape at the hot new club down the street. I hate that. Oh yeah, software? You think you're smarter than me? B'okay! Zip, off it goes. Zip, brand new files downloaded. Zip, brand new files installed. Zip, program stuck in update mode again. Grr. Alright, well that wasn't entirely unexpected. It's kind of the lazy way to deal with software issues, anyway. So, I dig a little deeper. My firewall's complaining now, too. WTF?

Well, OK, I probe a little more and find that I probably have a DLL conflict, so I figure the next easiest thing to do will be upgrading and getting a spanky new DLL. So I hop on over to antivirus site, find a pro upgrade pack for cheap (Windows Mac and Linux versions), and buy it. Direct download! Woot! Instant gratification. LOVE that. Alright, 60 seconds later, I'm running the file. It's an update, now, so I don't have to uninstall my whole package for it, which is a sweet bonus since I've already done that once. I'm seeing that's it's a 32-bit file, and I get a sinking feeling. Now, did they say there was another version of this file for my OS before they took my money? No. Know how I know that? It's my business. I check for these things, having been duped before. My choices were xp/vista, mac or linux versions. No-brainer, right? And no mention of 64-bit anywhere. OK, I'm breathing a little heavier, I'm a little exasperated now because I KNOW I didn't miss that, I could NOT have missed that. Could I? NO! Stop questioning yourself, Michelene, you KNOW you didn't miss something that simple.

Alrighty then. Just calm down. Should be easy enough to just surf back over there, locate and grab the right version, eh? But they don't offer it. They have a huge download for a 64 bit free trial of the full version, but I only need a small upgrade kit. Phooey! Fine, then. Let me just plug in my order number and see if there's an alternative download that I might have missed... I know I didn't but it never hurts to QUADRUPLE check these things when you're anal. Oh, they haven't heard of my order number? That's odd because that same number just magically appeared in a deduction on my bank account. Remarkable coincidence. Great, now I'm starting to get a little pissy. All this twaddling about is really annoying and unnecessary. Enough is enough, I might as well just call them, it's gonna be faster than navigating to the hidden little switch they have buried in the source which takes you to a java applet that points you to a hidden file which won't work anyway.

I hop over to support to get the number to call, call it, and listen to some electronic bitch spell out the effing website address three times -- as excruciatingly slowly as possible -- before asking me to press one for questions about direct downloads. I press. "1." Oh, goody, in case I missed it the first three times, I get the website address again, just to be sure I'm not a complete moron and haven't checked there fifty times already. It's where I got the number for Pete's sake, don't they think of that? And do you know what the electronic, demon-voice slowly and deliberately told me? To go BACK to the h-t-t-p-colon-forward slash-forward-slash-double you-double you-double you-dot-TEE-ARE-EE-EN DEE-dash-EM-(about seven minutes passes)-dot-AICH-TEE-EM-EL website, where I just was, and call the number listed, which I just called. If you heard a large explosion earlier, that was my head.

My last option was a sharp email, a 200-word missive which I penned in a record 9.17 seconds. Remarkably contained only 18 cuss words and a two disparaging remarks about their doomed DNA legacy. It probably won't do dick for my trouble, but it makes me feel better knowing I'm gonna ruin someone's day when they read it and find out that I use seven syllable words and English is invariably not their first language. I can't wait for the email response that not only reminds me to check their all-informative website which directs me to call numbers which direct me back to their website, but also says things like "I'm sorry to hear about your recent trouble with [software]" and asks me questions which I've clearly already outlined the answers to in a hope-filled but fruitless attempt to circumvent them telling me to check their website and follow the troubleshooting steps which didn't work and forced me to call in the first place. At least my head is already exploded, and it's entirely possible that I'll get a conscientious and friendly technician who can READ and sympathize and give me what I want without all the BS, like I try to do for my clients. One can always hope.